Nul Points


“Hey Mister Eurovision Song Contest Man … would you like to hear my song?”

Er, no, actually. The UK’s entry to this year’s European warble-fest is simply hideous. I’ll give them “woah woah woah”. (more like “woe woe woe” – bad pun, sorry). Doesn’t anyone know how to write lyrics these days? Do people actually sit down with pen and paper and think, “ooh, I know, woah, oh woah, oh woah …”. Reaches for rhyming dictionary to find rhyme for ‘together’ ‘ forever’ (possibly ‘friend’, ‘end’, ‘rain’, ‘train’ and ‘brain’). “Oh” people will protest, “this is irrelevant because the UK produces quality acts like Clodplay, Adele and James Bay.”

At which point, I sigh and go back to bed, hugging my copy of “Weightlifting’ by the Trashcan Sinatras, contemplating the career of James Bay, whose entire act seems to consist of him wearing a hat.

Relatively simple I guess, wearing a hat. The Hedge from Bono and the U2 has elongated his own career by many a year, initially adopting a reject from one of Ken Dodd’s Diddy Men (ask your parents, kids) and finally settling upon the knitted beany, even when attending a black-tie event.

The Monkees’ Mike (W.H. Woolhat) Nesmith wore a green, Benny-from-Crossroads, bobble hat at his audition for the show, having purchased the said item to keep his hair from a-blowin’ in the wind when riding his motorcycle.

So back to Joe and Jake (has anyone done the trendy thing yet and put the first bits of their joint names together and come up with ‘Joke”? Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Neither of them, from their vacant faces in the picture, look as if they know what the strange, metallic, silver thing is in front of them, but they’ve gainly opened their mouths for the photographer in the vague hope that they come across as convincing singers. And they’ve certainly got the moves – Joe, (or possibly Jake), knows a couple of chords on his acoustic guitar – the sound which is as fresh and original as the day in 1987 when the guitarist from Then Jericho first played it. Jake, (could be Joe, who knows), thrusts and squirms in the way young people do these days, looking like he needs the toilet rather badly.

I’m considering starting a campaign to get “Mister Eurovision Song Contest Man” – so wonderfully written and performed by former Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band member and one-time Rutle Neil Innes – installed as this year’s entry instead. But than again, has the day of the Facebook campaign been and gone? I myself was part of an effort, back in 2009, to rid the Christmas charts of the despicable Simon Cowell and his Karaoke drivel. Indeed, my own song was heading the campaign to be the ‘official’ competition, until something very odd occurred with the Rage Against The Machine entry.

“We’re not going to do what people tell us” said RATM. “That’s right,” said the guy leading the campaign. “Don’t do what people tell you. Don’t buy Simon Cowell’s record. Buy RATM’s record, which says, ‘don’t do what people tell you’.”

“Okay,” said all the people. “We won’t do what Simon Cowell tells us, we’ll do what RATM tell us, which is not to do what people tell us. That’ll really stick it to The Man!”

And so people bought both records, each trying to out-bid the other, buying even more to stop the other. Both of which were on the same record label … co-incidentally the one with whom a certain Mr S Cowell had such an interest.

Bing bang bong … inky pinky parlez-vouz, wunderbar, ooh la la …






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